Baby Loss Awareness 9th-15th October

When Hope Changes Shape: Understanding Pregnancy Loss in All Its Forms.

Content Warning: This blog discusses pregnancy loss, including ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death. It contains detailed descriptions of medical procedures, grief, and loss. Please take care of yourself while reading, and feel free to step away if necessary.

A note from the writer: I'm dyslexic, so my writing journey takes a bit longer and sometimes looks different. I've done my best to check everything carefully, but if you spot any errors or anything unclear, please know it comes from a place of genuine care and effort. What matters most is that these words give you the warmth and understanding they're meant to carry.

There's something profoundly isolating about pregnancy loss. You're grieving someone you never got to meet, mourning a future that existed only in your heart and mind. And yet, that loss is as real and devastating as any other. If you're reading this because you've experienced this pain, or because someone you love has, I want you to know that your grief matters. Every pregnancy deserves to be acknowledged, no matter how it ended or how far along it was.

Pregnancy loss doesn't follow a script. It doesn't always happen in the way we might expect, and it certainly doesn't hurt any less because it happened early, or because it was medically complex, or because it wasn't a "traditional" pregnancy. Whether you lost a baby at six weeks or thirty-six weeks, whether you carried that baby yourself or someone was carrying them for you, the grief is valid and the loss is real.

When Pregnancy Becomes Dangerous: Understanding Ectopic Pregnancy.

An ectopic pregnancy happens when a fertilised egg implants somewhere outside the womb, most commonly in one of the fallopian tubes. It's a cruel twist of fate because everything you hoped for—a positive test, rising hormone levels, those early pregnancy symptoms—is there, but the pregnancy cannot continue. The embryo cannot survive, and without treatment, the pregnant person's life is at serious risk.

The symptoms can be confusing because they often mirror normal early pregnancy. You might notice pain on one side of your lower abdomen, which can be sharp or come and go. Some people experience shoulder tip pain, which seems odd but happens when internal bleeding affects the diaphragm. There might be vaginal bleeding, though not always. Sometimes the only sign is feeling faint, dizzy, or unwell. If you experience severe, sudden pain, feel faint, or have heavy bleeding, it's crucial to seek emergency medical help immediately.

Detection usually happens through a combination of blood tests measuring pregnancy hormones and ultrasound scans. Your healthcare team will look to see where the pregnancy has implanted and monitor your hormone levels to see if they're rising as expected. Sometimes, it takes several appointments and repeated tests before the picture becomes clear, which is agonising when you're desperate to know what's happening.

Treatment for ectopic pregnancy isn't straightforward, and none of the options feel good when what you wanted was a healthy pregnancy. Some ectopic pregnancies can be treated with an injection called methotrexate, which stops the pregnancy from growing. It's a type of chemotherapy medication, and that word alone can feel frightening. You're not just losing the pregnancy you wanted; you're having to take medication that ends it, and the physical aftermath can be difficult. You might feel nauseated, exhausted, and emotionally shattered. The medication takes time to work, and you'll need regular monitoring to ensure your hormone levels are falling. During this time, you're caught in limbo, still technically pregnant but knowing the pregnancy is ending.

In other cases, surgery is necessary, either keyhole surgery or sometimes emergency surgery if there's been a rupture and internal bleeding. You might lose a fallopian tube in the process, which adds another layer of grief and worry about future fertility. Recovery from surgery brings its own challenges: physical pain, tiredness, hormonal changes as your body adjusts, and the emotional weight of it all.

The Invisible Loss: Early Pregnancy Loss.

Early pregnancy loss, often called miscarriage, happens more commonly than most people realise—perhaps one in four confirmed pregnancies ends this way. Knowing it's common doesn't make it hurt less. You might have only known you were pregnant for a few days, or perhaps you'd been planning and hoping for months. That baby was already loved, already part of your plans.

Early loss can happen naturally at home, through medication, or through a surgical procedure. Each comes with its own physical and emotional experience. Waiting for a miscarriage to happen naturally can feel unbearable, living in a state of dread. Medical management means actively taking tablets that will start the process, which feels like you're participating in ending the pregnancy, even though it has already stopped developing. Surgical management offers closure and certainty, but also means an operation and everything that entails.

The physical bleeding and cramping can be shocking, especially if it's your first loss and you didn't know what to expect. But it's the emotional aftermath that lingers. The pregnancy hormones take weeks to leave your system, and your body still behaves as though it's pregnant even though it isn't. You might still feel nauseated, your breasts might still be tender, and each symptom feels like a cruel reminder.

When Loss Comes Later: The Grief Nobody Prepared You For.

Late pregnancy loss—whether through stillbirth or neonatal death—is devastation on a scale that's hard to put into words. You'd felt your baby move. You'd prepared a room, bought tiny clothes, chosen a name. You might have had a baby shower, told everyone, started maternity leave. And then, suddenly, impossibly, your baby is gone. Having to go through labour and birth knowing your baby won't come home with you is a unique kind of trauma. Some parents describe it as the hardest thing they've ever done, yet also desperately important—the only time they'll get to meet their child, the only chance to hold them, to see their face, to say hello and goodbye all at once. The hospital staff might offer memory boxes, photographs, hand and footprints. In the fog of grief, it might feel too painful to say yes, but many parents later treasure these mementoes as the only tangible proof their baby existed. There's no right or wrong decision, though. You do what feels bearable in that moment.

When the Journey Was Already Complex: Loss in Surrogacy.

Losing a pregnancy when you're using a surrogate adds layers of complexity to an already emotional situation. The intended parents are experiencing devastating loss, but they're not the ones going through the physical experience. The surrogate is enduring the physical and hormonal reality of pregnancy loss, but the baby wasn't going to be theirs to raise. Everyone's grief is valid, but it's all tangled up together in ways that can be difficult to navigate.

Communication becomes crucial, and yet grief often makes us want to withdraw. Intended parents might feel helpless, not knowing how to support their surrogate through the physical aspects. They might feel guilty that someone else is enduring this pain for them. The surrogate might feel like they've let the intended parents down, even though pregnancy loss isn't anyone's fault. She's grieving too, in her own way, the loss of the pregnancy and perhaps the hopes she had for this family.

If you're in this situation, please be gentle with yourselves and each other. Reach out for support separately and together if that feels right. The relationship between surrogates and intended parents often becomes profound and meaningful, and loss doesn't erase that bond—but it does require care, honesty, and compassion on all sides.

The Ripples of Loss: When Grief Extends Beyond Parents.

We often focus on the parents when talking about pregnancy loss, and rightly so, they're at the centre of this grief. But loss ripples outward, touching grandparents, siblings, close friends, and wider family. For grandparents especially, the pain is twofold. They're grieving the grandchild they'll never know, and they're watching their own child go through unbearable pain, unable to fix it.

Siblings who knew about the pregnancy might be confused and sad, particularly younger children who don't fully understand death. They'd been preparing to be a big brother or sister, which makes sense to them now that it's been taken away without explanation. Older children and teenagers might grieve deeply, feeling the loss of the sibling they'd already begun to imagine.

Sometimes, families struggle to know how to support their parents. They want to help but don't want to intrude. They worry about saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing, which can leave the parents feeling isolated. Or they try to stay positive and hopeful about the future when the parents need someone to sit with them in the pain of right now.

If you're a family member or friend supporting someone through pregnancy loss, the most important thing you can do is acknowledge the loss. Say the baby's name if they'd chosen one. Ask how they're doing and mean it. Don't rush them toward healing or try to find silver linings. Just be present, even when it's uncomfortable.

When Faith and Culture Shape Grief.

Our cultural background and religious beliefs inevitably influence the way we process pregnancy loss. For some faiths, there are specific rituals and practices around death that bring comfort and structure to grief. For others, there might be uncertainty about whether these rituals apply to pregnancy loss, particularly early loss, and that uncertainty adds another layer of pain.

In some Christian traditions, parents might wish to have their baby baptised or blessed, even if the baby has died. Some hospitals and churches will facilitate this, offering parents a meaningful ritual. Islamic practice includes naming the baby, performing ghusl (ritual washing), and burial, typically as soon as possible. Jewish tradition varies depending on the stage of pregnancy, with different practices for early loss versus stillbirth. Hindu and Sikh families might wish to perform specific rituals and prayers for the baby's soul.

Cultural attitudes can also affect how openly grief is expressed and shared. In some communities, there's an expectation to be stoic, to keep grief private, to "stay strong" for others. This can leave parents feeling they can't fully express their pain. In other communities, collective mourning and open emotional expression are encouraged and expected. Neither is right or wrong, but it's worth recognising how your cultural background might be shaping your grief experience and whether those expectations are helping or hindering your healing.

Some religious perspectives offer comfort, particularly beliefs about where the baby's soul has gone or the possibility of reunion in an afterlife. For others, religious teachings about why loss happens might feel painful rather than comforting, particularly if there's any suggestion that loss is punishment or part of a divine plan. You're allowed to take what helps and leave what doesn't. You're allowed to question, be angry, and find your own meaning.

Finding Support: You Don't Have to Walk This Path Alone.

In the UK, there are organisations specifically set up to support people through pregnancy and baby loss, and reaching out to them isn't giving up or being weak; it's recognising that some burdens are too heavy to carry alone.

Sands (the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death charity) is perhaps the best-known support organisation, and for good reason. They offer a helpline, email support, and a network of local support groups across the UK where you can meet other bereaved parents. Sometimes it helps enormously to be in a room with people who get it and don't need you to explain because they've been there too. Sands also provides resources for different situations, including loss of a twin or multiple, loss at different gestations, and support for fathers and partners who often feel their grief is overlooked.

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust offers specific support for people who've experienced ectopic pregnancy or pregnancy of unknown location. They understand the particular trauma of this type of loss: the medical emergency, the fear, the treatment, the impact on future fertility. They can connect you with others who share similar experiences and provide information about what happens next.

The Miscarriage Association supports people through early pregnancy loss and ectopic pregnancy. They run an online community and helpline and provide resources in multiple languages. They also offer specific support for people who've had multiple losses, which brings its own particular heartbreak and anxiety.

Tommy's fund research into pregnancy complications and provides information and support for pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and premature birth. Their website offers detailed information about different types of loss, what to expect physically, and how to cope emotionally.

Many of these organisations can also point you toward culturally appropriate or faith-based support if that's important to you. Some have developed resources specifically for different communities, recognising that one size doesn't fit all regarding grief support.

To the Partners: Your Grief Matters Too.

Partners often feel they need to be strong, to hold everything together, to support the person who was pregnant whilst setting aside their own pain. But you lost your baby, too. You had hopes and dreams and plans, and they're gone. You're allowed to grieve. Sometimes partners feel their grief isn't as valid. After all, they weren't carrying the baby. Their body isn't going through the physical trauma, because everyone's attention is focused on the pregnant person. But grief isn't a competition. Your loss is real. Your pain matters.

You might be grieving differently from your partner, and that's normal. You might want to talk about it while they want space, or vice versa. You might feel ready to try again while they're not, or the other way around. These differences can strain relationships when you're both already emotionally depleted. Try to communicate, even when it's hard. Try to be patient with each other's different ways of processing pain.

Seek support for yourself, too. The organisations mentioned above support partners and fathers, not just the pregnant person. You might find counselling helpful, or joining a support group specifically for partners. Don't try to carry this alone whilst supporting your partner through their grief. You both need support, just perhaps in different forms.

Moving Forward (Not Moving On).

There's no timeline for grief. People often mean well when they suggest you should be "over it" by now or express surprise that you're still struggling months or even years later. But grief doesn't work like that. It changes shape over time—sometimes it's a constant ache, sometimes it catches you unexpectedly, sometimes it sits quietly in the background. All of this is normal.

You don't have to "move on" from your baby. They were real, mattered, and'll always be part of your story. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting or leaving them behind. It means finding a way to carry their memory with you while also rebuilding a life with space for hope and joy again, even though that might seem impossible.

Some parents find comfort in marking their baby's due date or the anniversary of their loss. Others prefer to remember in private ways—a planted tree, a piece of jewellery, a donation to a pregnancy loss charity. Some find meaning in supporting others through similar losses, whether through volunteering, fundraising, or simply being the person who acknowledges the grief others often try to brush aside.

Whatever your path through this looks like, please know you're not alone. Pregnancy loss is isolating, but you're part of a community of people who understand, who've survived this, who know that some griefs change you forever but don't destroy you. Reach out. Let people help. Be gentle with yourself. Your baby mattered, your grief matters, and you matter too.

Sharen x