The Unspoken Reality: Internal Emotional Dysregulation and Neurodivergence.
- Sharen Dobson
- Oct 1
- 10 min read
Updated: Oct 11
A note from the writer: I'm dyslexic, so my writing journey takes a bit longer and sometimes looks different. I've done my best to check everything carefully, but if you spot any errors or anything unclear, please know it comes from a place of genuine care and effort. What matters most is that these words give you the warmth and understanding they're meant to carry.
Trigger Warning & Disclaimer
This article discusses sensitive topics including emotional dysregulation, anger, aggression, domestic violence, child-to-parent violence, self-harm, mental health difficulties, and the challenges faced by neurodivergent individuals and their families. Some content describes difficult family dynamics and abusive situations that may be distressing to read. If you're experiencing abuse or are in crisis, please reach out to services like Samaritans (116 123), the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247), or your local emergency services. This blog is based on personal experience and professional observations and is for informational purposes only—it does not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult with qualified healthcare providers or mental health professionals for support tailored to your specific situation.
There's a conversation that rarely happens, one that sits heavily within families, partners, and individuals themselves. It's about the anger that comes with ADHD, Autism and AuDHD. Not the occasional frustration we all experience, but the intense, overwhelming emotional storms that can erupt without warning, leaving devastation in their wake and shame in their shadow.
We don't talk nearly enough about what it's like to love someone whose words cut deep in moments of distress, or to watch a child you adore throw objects, hurt themselves, or lash out when overwhelmed by change, misunderstanding, or embarrassment.
The Reality Behind Closed Doors
Imagine loving someone wholeheartedly, yet walking on eggshells through your own home. Imagine being a parent who cannot predict which everyday event might trigger an explosion—a last-minute change of plans, a misplaced item, a sensory overload at the supermarket, or simply not understanding why something has to happen. You learn to read the room constantly, to regulate yourself and anticipate and manage another person's emotional state. It's exhausting work that often goes unseen and unspoken.
The isolation this brings is profound. Parents of neurodivergent children who struggle with emotional regulation often find themselves unable to attend family gatherings, social events, or even simple outings to the park. They run through mental checklists of every possible scenario, every potential trigger, every exit strategy. And when a day goes "bad"—when the careful planning fails and the meltdown happens anyway—the exhaustion is overwhelming, compounded by guilt, frustration, and a bone-deep weariness.
There's a particular loneliness in being unable to share these experiences openly. Society expects children to behave in specific ways, and when they don't, judgment follows. Other parents might offer sympathetic looks whilst quietly grateful it's not their child. Friends might stop inviting you to places. Family members might suggest you're being "too soft" or not disciplining properly, completely misunderstanding that what they're witnessing isn't a discipline issue.
When Anger Masks Something Deeper
What makes this even more complex is that undiagnosed ADHD and autism often present as "anger problems", depression, or being labelled as "aggressive", cold, and unfeeling. A child who cannot articulate their sensory overwhelm might be seen as badly behaved. An adolescent who struggles with emotional regulation might be dismissed as having "anger issues" rather than being recognised as someone who needs support in understanding and managing their internal world. Adults who have spent decades masking their difficulties might be seen as difficult, moody, or unreasonable, when in reality they're drowning in a neurological experience that's fundamentally different from neurotypical emotional processing.
The impact extends far beyond the individual. Family members, partners, and friends can develop their own mental health difficulties as they navigate the unpredictability, the hurtful words spoken in dysregulated moments, and the constant emotional labour of trying to prevent or manage explosive situations. Parents might develop anxiety, hypervigilance, or depression. Siblings might feel neglected or scared. Partners might grieve the relationship they thought they'd have whilst loving someone who struggles to express care in ways they can recognise.
The Physical and Emotional Toll
The reality of physical aggression from children towards their parents remains deeply taboo, yet it's a reality for many families with neurodivergent children, particularly those with higher support needs. In the North East of England, some organisations offer peer support groups for neurodivergent young people, and there are emerging resources for families experiencing child-to-parent violence. However, these remain inadequate for the scale of need. (see the end of the blog for a list of North East based support services)
For elderly parents caring for adult neurodivergent children with higher support needs, the challenges multiply. The physical demands of supporting someone through a meltdown don't diminish with age, but the carer's strength does. These parents often face impossible choices between their own health and their child's needs, frequently with insufficient respite care or support services to provide meaningful relief.
The psychological one matches the physical toll. Living in a state of constant alertness, never quite sure when the next outburst might occur, creates a chronic stress response that affects every aspect of health. Sleep becomes difficult, appetite changes, blood pressure rises, and the body remains locked in a state of vigilance that was never meant to be sustained long-term.
The Path Towards Understanding
Here's what needs to be said clearly: with the proper support, some neurodivergent individuals can learn to understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in ways that may reduce the impact of emotional dysregulation. Accessing therapeutic approaches that can help individuals identify and change negative thought patterns that contribute to emotional dysregulation, whilst other forms of talking therapy, communication skills training, and sometimes medication can all play vital roles in creating a more regulated internal world.
The key is early intervention. The earlier children and young adults begin learning to communicate their needs, understand their emotional experiences, and recognise their triggers, the more empowered they become. This education doesn't just reduce isolation and frustration—it builds bridges to connection with others. It helps young people see that they're not "broken", are not simply "angry", and are not defined by their worst moments.
Beyond Diagnosis: The Power of Understanding
One crucial point: a formal diagnosis is not always necessary to access help. Whilst diagnosis can be validating and open doors to certain support services, the process can be lengthy and, for some, unattainable. What matters most is having a safe space to talk about worries, thoughts, and experiences without judgment. Many neurodivergent individuals have spent years believing they have "anger issues", "depression", or "anxiety" when what they're actually experiencing is emotional dysregulation linked to how their brain processes information and emotion.
Labels like autism and ADHD can be double-edged swords. On one side, they offer enormous relief, a name for what's happening, a community of others with similar experiences, and validation that you're not making it up or being dramatic. On the other side sits society's often narrow and stigmatising view of neurodiversity, one that places the burden of adaptation squarely on neurodivergent people themselves. The message, implicit or explicit, is that neurodivergent individuals must change to "fit in", must suppress their stimming, force eye contact, attend social events that cause genuine distress, and constantly mask their authentic selves to make neurotypical people comfortable.
Harmful statements like "you need to get out more", "it's not normal to have no friends", "why are you so weird", or "why do you do that with your hands" reflect a fundamental misunderstanding of neurodivergence as something to be fixed rather than understood and accommodated. This societal pressure adds another layer of shame and isolation, making the internal anger and frustration even more challenging.
Creating Real Change: A Call to Action
Real support means helping neurodivergent individuals understand themselves deeply and completely. It means empowering them to articulate their needs to professionals, family members, and friends in ways that can be heard and honoured. It also means helping them hold themselves accountable for their actions while building compassion for themselves and understanding how others experience their behaviour.
Adequate support involves developing coping strategies tailored to each person's specific thought processes, emotional experiences, and sensory profile. It's not about teaching someone to regulate themselves the way a neurotypical person would—it's about discovering what works for their brain. This might mean creating sensory breaks, developing communication systems for when words fail, identifying early warning signs of dysregulation, or building routines that provide structure without rigidity.
The goal is self-regulation rather than dependence on others to manage emotions. Whilst support from others is valuable, true empowerment comes from understanding individual behaviour patterns and having a toolkit of strategies to draw upon. This includes learning to recognise perspectives beyond their own, developing empathy (which may look different from neurotypical empathy but is no less valid), and understanding the ripple effects of dysregulated behaviour on relationships.
The Power of Peer Support and Lived Experience
There is something profound about speaking with others who truly understand your experience. Peer support groups for neurodivergent individuals offer a space where masking isn't necessary, where stimming is accepted, and where emotional dysregulation is met with understanding rather than judgment. Organisations in the North East, such as Children North East and The Neurothentic Network, Toby Henderson Trust, offer peer support groups and resources specifically for neurodivergent individuals and their families.
The power of lived experience cannot be overstated. Someone who has navigated their own emotional dysregulation, learned to understand their triggers, and developed effective coping strategies can offer insights that no textbook can provide. They can say "I understand" and truly mean it, because they've been in overwhelming anger, shame, and confusion.
Support for Families and Carers
Equally important is support for parents, carers, and family members. Resources in the North East include speaking with Health Visitors, GPs, school SENCOs, and School Nurses for children struggling with neurodivergent-related challenges. Parents/Care Givers need access to respite care, Carer's Allowance, and groups where they can speak honestly about the challenges without fear of judgment or having their child labelled as "bad". They need both online and in-person communities where they can share experiences with others in similar situations, where saying "I love my child, but I'm struggling" is met with empathy rather than criticism.
Therapy should be preventative, not reactive. Waiting until a crisis point to seek support means missing opportunities for early intervention that could prevent significant distress. Speaking out when you're struggling—whether you're the neurodivergent individual or the person supporting them—is not weakness; it's wisdom.
Learning to Live Authentically
For older neurodivergent individuals who may have spent decades masking or being misunderstood, accessing support remains crucial. Whether through medication that helps with emotional regulation, talking therapies that provide insight and strategies, or local peer support groups, learning about yourself is the foundation for learning how to communicate authentically, unmask safely, deal with dysregulation, and navigate shutdowns.
However, individual learning can only go so far if the people around you don't understand or actively work against your needs. This is where couples or family therapy becomes invaluable. When partners, family members, and friends understand neurodivergence beyond stereotypes—when they recognise that communication might look different, that love might be expressed in unexpected ways, and that certain behaviours aren't personal attacks but neurological responses, relationships can survive. I will add that therapy is also a safe space for difficult conversations. At home, the potential for things to escalate is high. Going into a safe space where conversations are mediated and supported can help facilitate open and honest communication.
Both sides should undertake the work to be regulated and respectful, loving, and understanding. The responsibility to communicate and take accountability in the relationship is not on the shoulders of just one individual. Both sides are accountable for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Trauma and Neurodivergence are factors in communication and behaviours/actions, but they are only a part of them. They are not excuses for justifying hurting someone physically or mentally.
For those in adult relationships who experience emotional or physical violence from their diagnosed/undiagnosed partners. Understand that it is not acceptable to be subjected to physical or emotional abuse. You are allowed to seek support. It does not mean that you do not love them or want to leave as such. It is about acknowledging that you deserve to feel safe in your relationship and home. You can love them and not tolerate being subjected to abuse, verbally or physically.
Moving Forward Together
The journey towards understanding and managing emotional dysregulation in neurodivergence isn't straightforward. There will be difficult days, setbacks, and moments when it all feels too much. However, acceptance and stability can happen with the proper support, education, and community. For neurodivergent individuals, you are not broken. Your anger, overwhelm, and struggles with regulation are fundamental neurological differences, not character flaws. Learning about yourself, developing strategies that work for your specific brain, and finding communities where you're accepted as you are can open doors you may not have known existed.
Opinions about what it means to be neurodivergent harm everyone involved. The belief that neurodivergent people lack empathy, don't care about others, are deliberately difficult, or could "just try harder" creates rifts that prevent genuine connection. Education and open conversations can bridge these gaps, helping everyone involved understand that neurodivergence isn't a deficit—it's a different way of experiencing and interacting with the world.
For families and carers, your exhaustion is valid, your fears are understandable, and your love, even in the most challenging moments, matters enormously. Seeking support isn't giving up—it's giving everyone the best chance at thriving.
We need to keep having these conversations, bringing the reality of emotional dysregulation and its impact on families out of the shadows. Only by speaking openly can we reduce shame, increase understanding, and build the support systems that neurodivergent individuals and their families/friends desperately need.
Disclaimer: This blog post is based on personal experience and professional observations. It provides generalised information and is intended as a short insight into complex issues. This information does not replace professional support. Always speak to your GP if you seek a diagnosis or medication. A deeper understanding can only come from talking to someone and having the chance to build up a relationship.
If you or a loved one is struggling with emotional dysregulation related to neurodivergence, reaching out for support is the first step. To explore how tailored support could help your situation, visit my website or social media to book a £10, 20-minute consultation call. Sometimes the most challenging part is starting the conversation.
Support Services.
Using counselling directories such as The Counselling Directory, NCPS, BACP and looking for Neurodivergent Counsellors can help couples and individuals to work with someone who has lived experience. Therefore, a deeper understanding of the struggles faced by Parents/Partners and Caregivers of neurodivergent individuals.
Sharen x
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